Today, I am thankful for honesty.
I’ve been struggling with honesty lately. What does honesty look like, really? I think it’s safe to say that most of us agree that “honesty” refers to whatever isn’t a lie, be it a whale of a tale or a little white falsity. And I get that. Or at least, conceptually. But at a deeper level, in a practical sense, I’m continually finding that I haven’t the slightest clue what honesty looks like within the context of daily living.
In so many words, I’m just trying to say that I’m really struggling with managing my time. I’ve never really been one to be blunt with people. I sugarcoat things. I ask people how they are, and try to show that I care, whether or not I’m actually caring. Rather than denying people my time and conversation, I often pretend that I am infinitely more available than I actually am.
And in my vain attempts to “be there for people”, which I am slowly finding is really just fancy lingo for “people pleasing”, I have been missing out on the beauty and simplicity found in plain, unadulterated honesty.
Rather than embracing frankness, I have been been lying to myself and others. I’ve been unrealistic about what I am able to do and not do.
The other day, I went to get doughnuts with a few friends of mine when I should have been in the library. When they asked me if I was available, I told them that I was, when I really wasn’t. Coffee and conversation have consumed much of my time, which in turn has resulted in my inability to keep up with schoolwork, my tardiness, my heightened anxiety, my lack of sleep, my lack of church attendance, my lack of blogging, and my lack of any sort of routine.
This sort of phenomenon is commonly known as “a case of the Mondays”. Which is true, except that this has been true for my life every single day of the week.
My therapist tells me that this is happening because “I am not a priority”. Which, on the surface, doesn’t make sense in the slightest. Making myself more of a priority to be a better person towards others makes about as much sense as applying gasoline to a fire in order to put it out. But then, I thought about the implications of what my therapist had to say. What if, doctors took care of themselves first so that they were able to heal others? This is not to say that I am any sort of healer, or anything. I’m far from it.
What I am trying to say is that this morning was the first time that I wasn’t late to class in over three weeks. The reasoning behind this isn’t any sort of magic, or any sort of added willpower or pick-me-up. Rather, I planned my entire evening last night around being early to my eight o’clock class. I planned my entire morning around being early to my eight o’clock class. I showered before I went to bed. I did homework, but refused to let myself stay up too late. I kept from drinking coffee.
And as a result, I saw the sun rise for the first time in over three weeks. I felt at peace and wasn’t rushed. And my day has been on an upward track so far. Am I being more selfish? Probably. On the other hand, however, I’m also getting more done, which means that I’ll actually have some free time down the road to spend with others. So, you decide!
Today is my first entry for the month of October. I’m praying that today is a fresh chance to start over, to gloss over the past three weeks and greet this month anew. To begin to be honest with my friends and my teachers. And even with you.
Today, I’m a little bit thankful for everything. I’m thankful for the little things these past three weeks that have kept the sun shining. I’m also thankful for the little things that aren’t pleasant, that point me towards the better things that I’ve gotten, in addition to the better things to come. I’m thankful for what looks like “selfishness”. I’m thankful for being more honest with others, and even more importantly, with myself.
That’s about it, quite honestly. What are you thankful for today?